Motherhood Statement (repost from Feb 2 2010)

Blog Entry

MOTHERHOOD STATEMENT Feb 2, '10 9:17 AM

for Sol's network

Just wanted to share with you my latest adventure -- motherhood.

It was June 4, 2009 when I saw two lines in my pregnancy test kit. After a year of trying, our prayer for a little bundle of joy was answered. As soon as I knew that I was expecting, I patiently and diligently went to all the pre-natal check-ups and obediently followed what the OB (and what all other concerned friends and family) told me to do -- prenatal vitamins, Anmum, sleeping early, eating every two hours, gaining a pound per week. Though I have been remiss on some areas, like drinking coke and ice tea when my craving got the better of me, all in all I think I was a good mom-to-be. Being pregnant for the first time is both exciting and tormenting as I was more emotional (than I already was), I worry a lot and it seems like eating was only thing I was comfortable doing. So you see, it wasn't a surprise that I was 120 lbs (my pre-pregnancy wait was 89 lbs), with a 36 inch waistline when I was on my last trimester.

Fast forward to my ninth month, my estimated due date is January 25, 2010, but it seems as though my baby was in a hurry to come out. During my last prenatal check-up on January 9, 2010, I was already on my 37th week and I was told that my cervix was already dilated at 2 cm (read: you give birth at 10 cm dilation, that's when baby's head is just about peeping out of your cervix already). The OB said I could give birth any time and I just had to continue to take walks so I will go through labor and delivery with less difficulty.

On the evening of January 12, it must have been serendipity that my eldest sister Mavette called from Australia to check on me. Having given birth twice already, she gave me the low down on what agony to expect. That night, I already couldn't sleep because my back was really painful. The next day, January 13, 2010, even when the contractions felt more painful and came in regular intervals, I still managed to bring myself to work. That morning I was already uneasy and kept a timer near at hand to monitor my contractions. My colleague Daphne, whose cubi is right beside mine, told me I was unusually silent that day and that should mean something's not right, because I am usually my talkative me on any other given day. After monitoring my contractions the whole morning, and since I could no longer work because the pain seems to intensify by the hour, I told my Team Leader Sir Totits that I will have to take the rest of the day off so I could go to the hospital for a check up. I convinced my cousin Marga, who is a nursing graduate, to go to the hospital with me in case I needed to be admitted already. I left the office at 12 noon to meet up with Marga and have lunch at my (grandma) Nanay's house. After a hefty lunch with Nanay and Marga, I went to the bathroom to pee and along went my mucous plug already. At that point, Nanay told me to leave for the hospital already because there was some fire in Cabantan and we might get caught in traffic. So Marga and I left for Dona Rita and took the long route, we just asked the cab to wait for us so we can just pick up my hospital bag and leave right away for Cebu Doctors Hospital. It was already 3:00 PM when we arrived at the out-patient department, where I waited for my turn to see the OB. When it was finally my turn, the OB said I was already dilated to 6cm with a very thin cervical wall. I was asked to the admitted right away, she said I was due anytime soon. Around 4:00 PM I was already in the labor room in a hospital gown and weighing down contractions that were coming on at 3 to 5 minute intervals. Marga was left clueless at the waiting lounge, with all my things (they asked me to take off everything and leave it with her). Everything was so rush rush that the only thing I was able to do before being dragged to the labor room was text Victor "6cm na ako, OB said admit na ako" (message sent at 3:51PM), and then I remember dumping my phone and everything else I had on me on Marga's lap. So you see, I'm really glad my cousin agreed to accompany me that day.

In the delivery room, the PGI assigned to me was a guy (someone please tell me what PGI stands for, I only know that they are doctors but not quite yet). Yes, he was with me from the time the OB in the delivery room did another internal examination and confirmed my 6cm dilation up until I was being stitched up 5 hours later. The most painful part about childbirth was not the delivery, it was being in labor, and having a guy watch over you through the whole ordeal made it worse. Don't get me wrong, he was not mean or anything, in fact, in hindsight, the usual frankness and candidness of men helped a lot. Every few minutes I would be complaining that it was already really painful and the response I would get from him was a straightforward "sige lang mommy, mas sakit pa na unya... antosa lang kay mas sakit mas hapit na mugawas si baby". Meaning “live with it because it will get worse later; be thankful for the pain because it means the end is near." Thank god for that one sweet nurse who came up to my bedside and offered to give me a backrub and held my hand for a while. At around 7:00PM it was time for another internal examination and the OB told me that I was already at 7 cm. A few minutes after, my water broke and then the most excruciating pain of my entire ordeal happened, each contraction lasting for 5 to 10 minutes at 3 minutes interval: it was so painful, I felt like my lower back was going to break apart. This went on for about another hour and then it was time. I knew it was time because I felt like I was going to go and the pain was already indescribable even with a pain reliever. At past 8:00 PM, the OB asked me to attempt to push, to see if I was ready. At that point, they transferred me from the labor room to the delivery room and I knew the worse was already over. In the delivery room, I was already exhausted and after many push attempts (with about a dozen people cheering you on, shouting every possible synonym of the words"push", "go" and "almost there" in English and Cebuano), a healthy baby finally came out head first via spontaneous normal delivery at 9:21PM. As soon as the baby was out, they placed him on my belly where he was cleaned. They swaddled the little man and then brought to my breasts to "latch on". I learned later on that this procedure was necessary for baby to recognize mommy and introduce him to breastfeeding. Baby Boy Gonzalvo was 6 lbs 11 oz and 47 cm in height, with APGAR score of 9.10 (just Google what APGAR means). At this point, I survived!

The second most painful part of childbirth was having your episiotomy wound stitched up, especially when your topical anaesthesia is already wearing out. I think it took longer for my PGI and intern (also another guy!) to stitch me up than it took for me to go through delivery. It also took about 3 weeks to completely heal from these stitches! After being sewn up, I was left to recover for a few hours with nurses monitoring me. I wheeled out of the recovery room at 1:00AM, and I was met by a very worried Victor who was wondering what happened to me between 9:21PM and 1:00AM. He said he already saw the baby because he was already being "displayed" at the nursery. After having settled down in the room, Victor and I realized we still had one major problem; we still were undecided on the baby's name.

After sleeping over it, and a few exchange of text messages to people who were also as interested to give a name to our baby, we decided on Victor Gabriel, in time for eager visitors who came to the hospital to visit me and to see Gabe. Aside from Tita Marga, Matitoy and the Kool Adventure Camp team came: Enen, Daphne, Leo, Bre and Anton. They deliberately violated my no visitors, no camera policy! Thursday afternoon, I breastfed Gabe for the first time and that night he was already roomed in with me. Lis, Queenie, Babang came to visit us in our cramped ward room. On Friday, the OB decided against discharging me because I still had a bit of perineal swelling. Good thing because I still had a few more visitors who came, Myla and Sir Totits. Finally on Saturday, the day before the feast of Sto. Nino de Cebu, on a rainy afternoon, with Mich helping us as we were packing and getting discharged, we left the hospital with our little angel and for the first time we were a family. Somewhere along our short drive from the hospital to the house, there was a moment there when it finally sank in that I already was truly a mother.

New Faces... Hopefully New Politics

http://filipinochangemaker.blogspot.com/2009/02/new-faces-hopefully-new-politics.html

As the 2010 national elections become nearer and nearer, many young Filipinos are beginning to start looking at possible candidates whom they can elect to leadership positions in our government.

We have recently seen many presidentiables and their respective parties declare their intentions to run in 2010. Almost every month the two top survey groups, SWS and Pulse Asia release their latest tallies on who Filipinos would prefer to vote for in 2010.

This coming 2010, we will not only be electing our new President and Vice President but we will also be electing senators, congressmen and local government leaders.

More importantly, it will be the first time in many years that the Youth Vote (18 to 40 years old) will comprise more than 60 percent of the voting population thus, if a candidate is able to get even just half of this sector then s/he can be assured of having a strong chance of winning the election.

ENERGIZING YOUNG PEOPLE

However, many of these young Filipinos have not yet registered and some of them have chosen not to do so because they tend to believe that it is the same old faces whom they will be choosing from.

According to one of my students in Ateneo de Manila University, there seems to be no one who represents a new breed of politics in our country, a kind of politics that will always put premium on genuine public service over the interests of a few.

Looking at the last US elections, we saw how Barack Obama’s candidacy was able to energize young people so much so that they not only registered to be able to vote for him but they also went out of their way to campaign for him.

This is the reason why I think there is a need for new faces in our political arena who will bring in idealism and advocate for a more effective and ethical brand of leadership in our government. We have seen in the experiences of Gov. Eddie Panlilio of Pampanga and Gov. Grace Padaca of Isabela that Filipinos are slowly but surely becoming more discerning and mature in choosing their leaders. Both Panlilio and Padaca campaigned without much resources and political clout and yet they were able to win because of the support of ordinary Filipinos in their communities who wanted to see change happen.

Right now, I believe that our country has many good young leaders whom I hope will consider to run for key government positions in 2010 or in the future elections.

NOT THE SAME OLD FACES

One of them is Atty. Alex Lacson, the well-known author of the book, "12 Little Things Every Filipino Can Do To Help Our Country".

For those who haven’t read the book, the Harvard University educated Lacson shows us how simple things such as following the traffic rules and being a good parent to our children can help us build a better Philippine society.

Since his book was launched in 2005, he has been invited by schools, companies and socio-civic organizations to speak and share with them his thoughts and insights.

Another young Filipino that I’d like to see become a Congressman or Senator soon is former National Youth Commission (NYC) Chairperson and Microventures president Bam Aquino. I have worked with Aquino several times already even during our college days at Ateneo de Manila University and I have always known him to become a leader with a clear vision for our country. During his stint at the NYC, he founded the Ten Accomplished Youth Orgnizations (TAYO) Awards which honors youth-led organizations that are doing projects which help solve social problems in their communities.

Right now, he is helping alleviate poverty in our country through Hapinoy, a social enterprise which helps sari-sari store owners earn more through a more systemic and efficient way of procuring the products that they sell.

Three young women whom I also find very inspiring due to the work that they have done in the fields of education and youth development are Sol Delantar-Gonzalvo of Cebu, Team RP’s Atty. Eirene Aguila who hails from Batangas, and Ching Jorge of Bato Balani Foundation. Delantar-Gonzalvo used to spearhead the Ayala Foundation’s youth leadership program which trains college-level student leaders all over the Philippines to become better servant leaders for our country.

Aguila’s Team RP is currently with several groups in encouraging young Filipinos to register and vote in the coming elections. While Jorge’s work at the Bato Balani Foundation has seen her provide training programs to public school teachers all over the country while at the same time providing educational materials to public school students.

These young leaders have shown that age is not a deterrent for them to bring about genuine and lasting development to our country. Hopefully, we will have more young people like them bring a fresh perspective to how politics is run in our country. The challenge is for these young, effective and ethical leaders to find the courage to throw their hats into our electoral process and to finally give our people a good set of candidates that we can all choose from.

Harvey S. Keh is director for Youth Leadership and Social Entrepreneurship at the Ateneo de Manila University-School of Government. Comments are welcome at harveykeh@gmail.com

Going back to Self

Ever since moving back to Cebu, I have been haunted by old memories. Places that make you remember and people you don't really look forward bumping into. I had one of such moments today. Let's just say, for the sake of brevity, there are people who spite me for reasons I don't understand (ok, maybe I understand them now but that calls for another blog entry altogether.) and because I have been away for a long time, I have totally forgiven and forgotten these people. I dread that this day would come and I would have to struggle to restrain myself from doing or saying something that’s not nice. Today, I was nice. I even stopped to say more than just hello. I actually asked sincere questions and genuinely wanted to hear the answers. Maybe I actually underestimated my self and my ability to forgive and to heal from past wounds.

A few months back, I participated in a photography class and one of the other participants in that class actually knew me since our highschool days. I couldn’t believe what this guy told me. During the last day of our class, he said that he could not believe that I have “mellowed” and that I actually am friendly. HU-WHAT?! He said that back in the day, his impression of me was that of a fierce empowered chic, whom the boys could not or would not dare approach especially for small talk, for fear of being eaten alive. What a monstrous image of Sol. Makes me think if indeed I have actually changed that much or if I have indeed been a monster for a long time.

I never thought that this journey back to Cebu would also mean going back to self.

My Personal Saturn Return

A friend of mine, my soul sister Bea, sent me this email a few weeks ago about Saturn Return. Just wanted to post this here so others who are also experiencing their own personal Saturn Return will cope more easily.

http://www.saturnreturn.net/what_is.html

There is nothing merely socio-cultural about the pain of turning thirty. Astrologers have known for many centuries that it takes 29.5 years for the planet Saturn to make its orbit around the sun. That's why this crisis is called the "Saturn Return". When Saturn moves back to the place it was the moment you were first born, you are metaphorically reborn, but not before you are put through a series of tests. Choose your metaphor — meat grinder, crucible, tornado — anyone approaching their thirtieth birthday is already in the process of transforming, if they know it or not. And most of us don't jump up to shake Saturn's hand. (Order your Saturn Return chart.)

When you're born, Saturn occupies a certain space in your chart (the basic astrological thumbprint of your soul.) Consider this a roadmap to your inner and outer world. Dependent on Saturn's place in one of the twelve sectors, or signs of the Zodiac, astrologers garner much information about specific issues you face over the course of your life. What you're afraid of, in particular. Also the road blocks likely show up in your travels. Saturn makes you feel your wounds. Circumstances that you faced in childhood and adolescence return screaming for you attention at the Saturn Return, forcing you to deal with them. Saturn is symbolic of what you think is missing from your life, based on past experience. Whatever your insecurities, your Saturn placement will alert you to the causes and the cures. More than anything, Saturn's place in your chart shows you which lessons you came here to learn. (Read Where Is Your Saturn to find out where Saturn was when you were born.)

Saturn is probably not your A-list planet, as he is connected with such pleasantries as dentistry, divorce, broken bones, hair loss, authority figures, and aging. He has earned the reputation of cosmic taskmaster. (The depiction of Saturn that hangs in the Musee Du Prado in Madrid, painted by Goya, presents him as a monster, dark and bloodied, swallowing his children whole. This is not a party any of us would want to attend, frankly.) He was originally known as Kronos, and in the Greek myth, he did indeed eat his children to prevent Zeus from usurping his power. This is all a reminder to be humble in the face of both success and adversity. If the Saturn Return teaches us anything, it's that we should never give away the authority in our lives. Saturn reminds us that time is indeed ticking; that it's now or never if we want to accomplish anything in this world. (For more on the mythology of Saturn, explore Mythology.)

If you're in your mid-to-late twenties or even in your early to middle thirties, you are close to the heart of your Saturn Return, and are probably feeling the crush of Saturn's black boot more than you ever have before. If everything feels like chaos, if your relationships are breaking down and you're questioning your career, your friendships, and your very life, it is likely that it's just the ripples of your Saturn Return descending. Although men experience Saturn Returns as well, it's vital that women look deeply at their father issues during this time. This is because Saturn symbolizes the father (personally and universally), and can set us up with very particular responses to the men in our lives, as we attempt to fix whatever was broken in our relationship with our dads.

As we hit the Saturn Return, we are women about to leap off the cliff of little-girldom. We feel estranged from external support systems. Now we can't be taken care of by daddy, boss, boyfriend, husband, priest, or doorman. We have to learn to fend for ourselves, and figure out what truly constitutes the ground below us. What internal resources do we draw upon for a safe landing if we are to make this leap? Once we finish our Saturn Return, we usually have a much better idea.

Saturn and Contemporary Culture

Our culture condones the phony notion that we're mini-adults when we graduate from college. Off we go into the world, to create our own reality TV series. When we're still in our twenties, it sort of feels like that. As if we're trying on costumes in order to figure out which lifestyle fits best. Some of us change careers and boyfriends as often as we get fresh manicures. Some of us get stuck early, in marriages, jobs, bad situations of all sorts. Others seem to be having a grand old time. But no matter how much fun some claim to be having, women of this age tend to freak out, en masse. (Men do, as well, but the cultural impositions they face are different.) Even though marriage and children are delayed as each generation progresses, many of us are still stuck in the moldy consciousness of our parents and grandparents. If we haven't met our mate by the time we turn thirty, we may never, we secretly fear. Weddings are often dreaded events. Are you the last of the cousins to be married off? Does everyone want to find you a nice husband, even though you have other things on your mind? Even if you're proud to call yourself a feminist, the little voice of ancestral marriage-minded maidens might echo in your ear.

Extended Adolescence

One thing that seems to be true of the twenties is that it's usually a time of inordinate confusion. The rare person knows their life's denouement in their third decade on earth. Sure, there are prodigies, actors that make it big as teens, athletes that find their calling while the rest of us flounder like fish on land. Do not be jealous, because these folks represent .9999999999 percent of us. If you're in your twenties and feel completely lost, you are in the majority.

The twenties are known by some to be that relatively easy era beyond the strife of adolescence, a time of openness, discovery, and experimentation. You are no longer a wildly hormonal zit-driven hater of your parents. You've likely graduated from at least one institution, according to statistics, probably at least one institution of higher learning. But anyone that’s a hair beyond twenty-five knows that any light reading of the late twenties is as fake as a Louis Vuitton in Chinatown. Like most myths about aging, this one is a doozey. The twenties can be hard. Really, really hard.

But why, god, why is it so hard? The universal complaints of the Saturn Return show us that it is not a simply a falsely imposed cultural construction. Western culture (American in particular) is the only one that force feeds this value system on its people. Our culture allows us to vacillate wildly through our twenties, party like frat boys, and then by the eve of our thirtieth birthday expects us to have an engagement ring and a 401 K in hand. We learn early that if you haven't gotten your act together by that fateful date, it's probably all downhill. Thirty continues to be a threatening mile-marker on life's highway. When we hit this age, inner and outer chaos descends. (In our navel-gazing culture, it is probably a slightly heavier burden to bear.)

Aging Gracefully

You may be thinking, "I'm not actually AGING yet." But, dear one, you are. Everyday, your cells are dying, your eggs withering, and your chances at marrying one of the less than 50 percent of the male population on earth are dwindling. We're not mentioning this to depress you, but simply to illustrate the things you understand unconsciously — the true reasons you probably screw up your relationships and drink to excess. As we get closer to thirty, we recognize our mortality looming. The first time a fish or a friend or a grandparent died when we were kids, we understood it intellectually — things have endings. They die. They leave. But until our own bodies get it (and some get it earlier than others) we can't take life seriously. Turning thirty is serious. It's the moment that it crystallizes in you that you are not going to live forever. You are not a child anymore. Welcome to the real world.

But it's not nearly as bleak as it it sounds. The beauty of endings is that they almost always signify new beginnings. And the thirties offer a chance to start over, to get things right that you've been screwing up and spinning out about through your teens and into your twenties. Now you finally have the chance to get it together — that's why Saturn offers you all your shortcomings, faults, and wounds on a silver platter. Not to make you feel bad about them, but to give you the opportunity to reach your highest potential. Growing up is hard to do, and many of us choose not to do it. We grow stagnant and die, rather than letting go and beginning again. Instead, you have the grand opportunity to get right with Saturn and get a grip on turning thirty.

Star of Sea and Sky

Marie Sol

(Star of the Sea and the Sky)

by Nines Terol - Zialcita (soon!)

When the Universe dreamed you up

It thought of bright skies and blue waters

Of the highest hopes and the deepest passions

Of the best of the sea and the sky

It was no wonder, then

That your childhood saw you

Drawn to the ocean waves

Gazing at the blazing heavens

And dreaming of infinite possibilities

Star of the sea

Queen of the sky

You are a wonderful conglomeration of contradictions

A beautiful pearl of a paradox—

A little girl's fervent hope

Residing in a woman's earnest heart

The Earth could not be more blessed

To have you in her womb

The Sun could think of nothing less

Than to share his light

Through your life

* * *

There was a reason why

Your name chose you—

Anyone else would have been

An injustice

To the gifts of the world

Nobody else could radiate

And fill all corners of the globe

With your energy

Your love

Your dedication

Your joy

Nobody else will compare

And as you go on your way

To bigger dreams

And distant lands

We will remember

Why we were once gifted

By the Sea and the Sky

It is to fill lives

With hope eternal

And wisdom unbounded

To open dreams

With unfolding possibilities

And infinite reach

To serve

With the deepest love

And stand

With the highest ideals

Thank you, dear Sol

For the gift of You

May the Universe's light

Shine upon you

And make all your dreams come true

Written by Nines Terol on the occasion of my exit from the Ayala group, 14 March 2008

TYING THE KNOT

When Friday afternoon came, it was like heavy dark clouds where lifted and suddenly the skies were clear again. The AYLC interviews just ended and we screened the 155 wanna-bes for the 10th AYLC. As I typed in the scores from the last panel of interviewers, I said to myself "I am getting married!!!" My wedding was never really top of mind the last few months as I have a very demanding (and sometimes thankless) job complete with never-ending deadlines that require total focus.

So now, with barely two weeks to go, I can now tell the world that I AM GETTING MARRIED! Imagine, I will soon be Mrs. Marie Sol Delantar - Gonzalvo?

YOUR MODERN DAY HEROES

left to right -- snow white ralph, queen mother vicky, starfish thrower dred, peter pan kitt and cinderella sol during the Ayala Foundation Christmas Party called 'AFI Hollywood'. I would like to thank my fairy godmother Mildred and her magic wand for helping me win the 'Best in Costume' award. + 14 December 2006, Ayala Museum, Makati City