My most dreaded day has come. It happened 6:30AM of October 5 2005... the day Victor was to leave for Qatar for a 2-year contract with an auto modification company that services super cars and maintains a rally racing team based in Doha City.
I was away the week before he left and since we already got used to the feeling of anticipation for his departure, we thought we still had time to spare when I got back from my trip in Mindanao.
We received a text from Martin the afternoon of Monday (the day I got back) that he and his colleagues were booked for a flight early morning of that Wednesday. It meant we only had a little more than 24 hours to prepare ourselves for a dramatic goodbye.
With his departure, I found it funny (for lack of a better term) how God is rocking my boat. Someone told me that I should use this 'rocking' as an opportunity for transformation, to be a better person. It just is so damn hard to be one especially with all the pain and misery. For two people who loved each other so much and spent time together everyday, it just is not possible to think about more positive things. Two years feel like two eternities away.
*taken a few hours before he went away.. me, victor and victor senior
If there is one good thing that came out of this most disheartening experience, it would be the outpouring of support from friends (both old and new!) and family (though they were nowhere within a hundred miles). I met Ate Beth and Twinkle, the wives of his two colleagues. They instantly became my best buds -- a picture instantly came to mind of historic times when men leave their wives safely in the village while they are off to hunt for food. Different displays of love and empathy - a friend gives me caramel brownies from her oven to cheer me up the day after he left, another texts me that good times will soon come, others text me to say that they too miss him and that they are just a text/call away should I be needing company, even victor's family have already lined up family activities for me to attend after his departure, and the sweetest of all -- his mom (who cooks the best kare-kare and spaghetti in the whole wide world) said 'bumisita ka pa rin dito ha? baka di ka na pumunta dito 'pag wala na si Jun...'
Somewhere between Qatar and the Ninoy Aquino International Airport, I lost my heart. I can't seem to find it. At night, I cry myself to sleep hoping that I wake up to a better day (with less swollen eyebags and heavy eyelids). During the day, I work myself to death (well, almost) hoping that I keep my mind off my knight-in-shining-armour and focus on the things that give meaning in my life -- like chocolates and saving the world from cavities. Ang hirap pala talagang magsinungaling sa sarili. The more I hide it, the more it takes its toll on me.
I used to be good with goodbyes. Somehow this goodbye is just too painful to bear.
+ Gonzalvo Residence, Merville, Paranaque - 5 October 2005
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